took everything i loved and crushed it in between your fingers.

I came across a blog post recently that bothered me. Several days later, it is still on my mind. For politeness reasons, I will not link to the post, but it was about a young actress who has been the target of an online hate campaign for some time now. This actress has been relentlessly criticized for using her voice. The blog post in question stated that this actress should shut up and smile. Be grateful. Be more feminine. Be sweet. It also compared her directly to another actress. One was positioned as "bad" and the other as "good." Quite frankly, the whole thing made my skin crawl. It is painful when women choose to participate in gendered smear campaigns and attempt to force rigid standards of femininity onto others. Given that this disappointing blog post stirred something up in me, it seemed only appropriate to dedicate my own post to some thoughts that I have about expectations and comparisons. Maybe this post will help me process the frustration that I feel after witnessing such casual cruelty. On the other hand, maybe it won't. But at least I can feel better knowing that I did not shut up and smile. 

Be more feminine. Be poised. Have grace. Smile more. Keep your mouth shut. How many of us have heard those messages (or similar ones) throughout our lives? How many times have we been told to change, conform, and keep sweet? How many times have we shoved bits and pieces of our true selves away for the comfort of others? It is exhausting and it is painful. It also takes a toll. One such example? My relationship with fashion remains a complicated one. This largely has to do with gendered expectations. In high school, my outfit of choice was an oversized band t-shirt and a baggy pair of jeans. Comment after comment was made about the way I dressed. About my hair. About my makeup. About everything. Every little piece of me was dissected by peers, teachers, and loved ones. I was often told that I needed to stop dressing like a boy. After years of negative comments, my style slowly shifted into something that was more traditionally feminine. Dresses, skirts, high heels, and all the rest. I tried so hard to be what I thought I was supposed to be. And while I still love looking at dresses, skirts, and high heels, those no longer represent my personal style. The COVID-19 pandemic broke something open in me. I returned to band t-shirts, jeans, and oversized hoodies. Though some of the negative comments have returned, I am not the same person I was the first time around. I have a stronger voice and know I don't need to perform stereotypical ideas of femininity to have worth. 

I think that is what bothered me about the blog post mentioned earlier. It seemed to indicate that there is a right and wrong way of being a woman. That only those who check off a certain number of stereotypical boxes are worth supporting. Only those who smile and lack opinions are valid. Only those who bite their tongue without complaint are valuable. None of that is true, even though the world we live in often tries to convince us that it is. Unfortunately, there are people on this planet who are desperately afraid of progress and positive change. They are afraid of women who speak out. Afraid of women who stand up for others and criticize harmful traditions. Afraid of women who prioritize morality over what is expected. When it comes down to it, categorizing women as either "good" or "bad" is reductive, harmful, and only perpetuates dangerous stereotypes about womanhood. The actress mentioned in the original blog post is just as valid and deserving and important as the one who was deemed preferable by the author. Whoever is reading this...please know that speaking out does not lessen your worth. 

Though the entire monologue from the Barbie movie was meaningful, there are a few lines that seem especially applicable:

"You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail,

never show fear, never get out of line. It's too contradictory...I'm just so tired of watching myself 

and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us." 

At the end of the day, if being sweet means being silent, then I will be sour. I will be salty. And I will be loud.