the only way to find your voice is to use it.

One of my loved ones recently had some harsh words for me in response to an open discussion about who I am, what I believe, and what matters most. (Spoiler alert: this includes standing against abusers, elevating the voices of survivors, and not giving money to companies, brands, or artists who support violence and misogyny.) It was a deeply upsetting conversation for a lot reasons. I told them how important it is that I use my voice and try to make a positive difference...and I was told that my efforts do not make a difference and do not matter. That I will not create change. That I am being ridiculous. Of course, I have been thinking about this conversation a lot in recent days as I try to figure out how to move forward with someone who completely disregards the most important parts of me. In truth, it is not something I quite know how to do.

Here's the thing. I have been shy, socially anxious, and downright ashamed of who I am for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was always hard on myself (probably because everyone else was) and had a hard time feeling that I belonged anywhere. I often felt like I was on the outside looking in. That is the reason I turned to the written word. Reading books and being swept away from the safety of my bedroom...writing stories and feeling less overwhelmed by my emotions...words were my hiding place and my shelter. Though I still struggle to use my physical voice in certain social situations, the written word has long been my companion. Writing is the way I speak out. It is the way I express, share, and work towards a better world. To have someone I love tell me that my voice does not matter hurt more than I can describe. It was a betrayal of the deepest sense. 

"We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean, 

but the ocean would be less because of that missing drop."

This wasn't what I planned to write about today. There was a fun makeup post scheduled, but this issue has been weighing on me. I suddenly realized that I needed to do something to reclaim my voice. I needed to remind myself that just because my growth challenges the stagnation of another person does not mean that my words lack meaning or impact. Though I may not change the world....my voice matters. All of our voices matter. I am trying not to lose sight of that in this midst of this pain. 

Sometimes, the people we love hurt us. And sometimes, the people we love are wrong. Unfortunately, my loved one said some things that will stay with me for the remainder of my life. For now, I am trying to focus on healing. I am trying to rebuild. And as I am doing that, I am doing my best to remember that my voice is meaningful, even though it is not always respected.