the women i admire...and how that has changed.

Last night, a friend and I went to see the movie, "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret." Instantly, I was transported back to my youth. I remember reading that Judy Blume book over and over again. I read it so many times that the cover was cracked and worn. I felt like it understood me in ways that the people in my real life didn't. I felt seen, heard, and understood. Watching the film version took me right back to that time in my life, so full of insecurity and longing. As nostalgia took over, I started to think about the women that I admired when I was younger and how drastically that has changed. 

In my pre-teen and teenage years, my idols and heroes were celebrities who were fashionable, beautiful, and glamorous. I admired stars who seemed kind and down to earth, despite wearing designer outfits and hitting the red carpets in their spare time. I always wondered what it would feel like to be beautiful and glamorous, so I focused my attention on the people who seemed to have it all. In my 20s, I admired women who were ultra positive. I think because positivity has never come naturally to me (my anxiety robs me of it a lot of the time), I looked up to people who had bubbly personalities and personas. I wanted so badly to know what it would be like to have a positive outlook and a bright, happy, vibrant disposition. 

Now that I am in my 30s, the women I admire are nothing like the ones I looked up to before. (And the ones that remain the same are admired for totally different reasons.) I admire women who stand up for what is right instead of doing what is easy. I admire women who are honest, straightforward, open, and brave. I admire women who are strong, who fight back against oppressive systems, and who fight for the good of others. Yes, I admire activists, humanitarians, feminists, and people who advocate for positive change. I admire people who make the world more beautiful by believing in what it can be. In the past, my focus was on outer beauty and outward appearances. Over time, I've come to see that there are more important things.

I realize now that the people I have looked up to over the years were simply reflections of the qualities I most wished to have. When I was younger, I wanted to be beautiful so I could feel special and confident. When I was a little older, I wanted to be positive so my anxiety would stop feeling so oppressive. Now? I want to stand tall knowing that I am fighting for what is right. Who knows what kind of women I will admire in my 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond...but I am excited to find out. For now, I am grateful for all of the women who have helped me find my voice again. I like me better these days.