change feels risky until staying the same feels worse.

Change. Just the word makes my stomach knot in discomfort. I have always struggled to deal with change, whether it was a last minute change to casual plans or a significant life change that ended a chapter. The reality is that it is easier to feel comfortable when things stay the same. There is a certain kind of ease found in familiarity. However, change happens every single day in both acknowledged and unacknowledged ways. I have recently been trying to face some of those previously unacknowledged changes by reorganizing (and decluttering) my wardrobe and jewellery collection. This process has meant accepting that I am no longer who I used to be...and that parts of me will never be the way they were before. It has been surprisingly emotional. 

Perhaps it is silly to feel sad about an overdue organizational process, but it has involved a lot of self reflection. Does this shirt represent who I am now or who I used to be? Do I still feel comfortable in this dress? Do these earrings make me feel good about myself? I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am older than I was when many of these pieces were purchased, that certain things no longer fit me the way they used to, and that I have changed an awful lot over the years. This process has been a sort of shedding of self, where I am letting go of who I used to be and am coming to terms with who I have become. 

I donated t-shirts with mustache prints and skinny jeans in bright bold colours and prints. I donated dangly hoop earrings and dresses that made me feel like I was wearing a costume. These were all things that I loved. Pieces that were a part of me. Somehow or another, life happened, and certain parts of me changed. Truth be told, I kind of miss being the twentysomething version of myself in studded mustache t-shirts and colourful skinny jeans, but I am not that person anymore. I kept holding onto these pieces for years and years and years...as if trying to hold onto a version of myself that was already gone. Finally, it felt like the right time to move on, let go, and release the pieces of my past that no longer meshed with my present. 

There have been a few recent additions. I realized that I wanted to add pieces that were suitable for a dinner out or a family event. Instead of shopping for who I was or who I wanted to be, some new items were chosen that made sense for my life the way it is now. A well fitted blazer, some blouses with lace sleeves, and jewellery that matched. Though this acknowledgement of personal change has been difficult, it feels nice to open my closet and see the present instead of the past. 

"Change happens very slow and very sudden."

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